Altruism by child abuse survivors:
Sharing Hard Won Wisdom

Lessons from the "Reaching Out" Monument
Altruism, volunteerism and doing for others is often overlooked or underrated as a subject in the healing and recovery process. In working with many survivors on "Reaching Out": the Child Abuse Survivor Monument I witnessed the driving passion that some survivors had for making something better out of what they went through. I also saw an ember ignight into a bright torch of hope, meaning or well being as survivor saw the power of their goodwill. I clearly saw over and over again that giving was healing.

Survivors from four years old to seventy years old contributed to the Survivor Monument with the primary desire to make a difference in the lives of others. Some had completed therapy ten years previously, many were still in their process, while others were just beginning therapy. Quilt square artists were reaching out beyond victimization into the realm of altruism and wisdom. They simply wanted to make a difference.

Caring for Others
Altruism from the French, altrui "other people" is defined by Webster's as the “unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others.” There is also a deeper fulfillment of spirit that is to be found in giving back, a moral responsibility, striving for a sense of meaning and purpose, making the world a better place, preventing the repetition of past tragedies and showing care and healing.

The witness of carnage against humanity carries the moral burden and responsibility to "tell", "to keep the memory alive", "lest we forget". Action is taken so a crime will not be repeated. Survivors of many kinds of hardship often have an urge to help others in some way and are prone to altruistic activities in some part of their life. At times the altruism may that the form of striving to protect others from meeting a similar tragic fate.

Standing up and speaking out becomes a victorious cycle of empowerment. Life activities resulting from reaching out through that empowerment leads to further strength and action and for Sony, “led me to another level of healing.”

Standing up and speaking out can be empowering. The other life activities resulting from reaching out through that empowerment leads to further strength and action. One participant related, "I got in touch with the strength I have and the hope to be strong in life. I have spoken more about my experience with the sculpture as a focus to assist others in their healing and to work for prevention."

Impact destiny
The burden in telling, has within it the desire to see concrete change take place as a result. A participant in the Survivor Monument Project wanted the Monument, "To be a memorial that enhances the ability of society to acknowledge the serious nature of childhood sexual abuse in a way that is transforming as opposed to creating resistance and more denial."

The act of altruism begs the light of knowledge to burn as a perpetual flame. Hockey player, Sheldon Kennedy in his awareness skate across Canada, stopped by the monument studio to cast his own hand and sculpt a message. In envisioning the two larger monument figures he reached his arms wide and declared, "Let's see them try to sweep this under the carpet." The monument reflected Sheldon's and many survivors' dream of breaking down the barriers of silence. Patricia agreed, "The Survivor Monument Project allows me to know that never again will child abuse be swept under the rug of secrecy. It exists! It acknowledges that and that makes it more comfortable in my mind. I hope it helps others in similar situations to find comfort that they are not alone."

Altruistic Passion
There are various form of sense of meaning, purpose and fulfillment found in preventing the repetition of past tragedies. passion for an altruistic response by survivor’s were expressed as:

• Sharing what one has seen or learned
• Giving back
• A moral responsibility
• Making permanent record of the story of abuse
• Informing of the existence or extent of child abuse
• Preventing child abuse
• Encouraging individuals and society to care and respond
• Supporting other survivors
• Making the world a better place

Protecting the Most Vulnerable
The strongest and most common refrain from those participating in the Monument Project was the desire to protect children from abuse. Voicing the sentiments of many other quilt square participants, Cherlyn declared, "If one child hears the message to TELL and gets help, WOW." Another quilt square artist affirmed, "If my participation and quilt can help one person only, I will be very happy and satisfied." To prevent the further victimization of innocent children and support other survivors is an ultimate victory over the legacy of this devastating form of violence.

Bring About Acknowledgment
Tracy spoke for them all when she said, "I can imagine the millions of people who will experience the monument and leave touched in a very personal way. Directly and indirectly humanity will benefit from the powerful messages the Project is expressing. We are reaching out to our world."

Another child abuse survivor working on the Monument wanted her efforts addressing child abuse to be something permanent, “that enhances the ability of society to acknowledge the serious nature of childhood sexual abuse in a way that is transforming as opposed to creating resistance and more denial.”

Reaching out past the victimization of child abuse Sony wanted his efforts in with a variety of volunteer work with the Monument Project, “to lend yet another voice to the demand for all forms of abuse to be considered unacceptable in our society and to be stopped.”

Altruism as a Stage of Growth
Altruism has been described as the final stage of growth and viewed as something that is a symbol of “graduating” from therapy. It may be viewed as wanting to give back what was received.

In reality, some with the passion of altruism have completed years of therapy, while others are just beginning therapy. They have in common a commitment to reaching out beyond victimization into compassion and share some of what has been learned. Simply to make to a difference.

Survivors working to make the world better for others, often, to their surprise, find their altruistic acts bring healing and benefit back to themselves. Volunteerism has the ability to give more back to the giver than what is given. It has been documented that people who spend time with volunteering are healthier and get sick less frequently and recover from illness quicker. Diane volunteered a significant amount of time to helping survivors tell their story, “believing that I would be giving more than getting -- I was most concerned with what I could say or do that would help other survivors. But I was so wrong.”

Both the practical and spiritual gains of volunteerism and altruism can be a benefit to survivors at any stage of healing and recovery. Volunteering helps to remove shame and isolation for survivors and may bring about a sense of empowerment.

Feeling Empowered
Standing up and speaking out becomes a victorious cycle of empowerment. Life activities resulting from reaching out through that empowerment leads to further strength and action and for Sony, “led me to another level of healing.”

Standing up and speaking out can be empowering. The other life activities resulting from reaching out through that empowerment leads to further strength and action. One participant related, "I got in touch with the strength I have and the hope to be strong in life. I have spoken more about my experience with the sculpture as a focus to assist others in their healing and to work for prevention."

Lifting a Burden
A survivor assisting to create a Survivor Monument Project Research Forum on the Costs of Child Abuse and create child abuse awareness material stated it, “allowed me to set free the final stages of my abuse.” Jane participated in the Child Abuse Monument, "to put the final stages of my past to rest." For Barb, making her public art would tell others of the cost of child abuse, "allowed me to set free the final stages of my abuse." One survivor/artist wrote, "When I imagine my sculpture up on the monument I feel a great burden lift from my soul."

Victory Over a History of Abuse
Taking a stand to protect innocent children and support other survivors can be an ultimate victory over a history of abuse. Though generalized as selfless, altruism may have an element of giving in both directions. In reality there are many practical benefits to reaching out and giving to others. Giving to others may give the survivor or assist with:

• The pleasure of giving
• Comradery
• New technical or professional skills
• Interesting activity
• Having fun
• Enhancing social skills
• Being part of a community
• Fulfilling course requirements

There is also a deeper fulfillment of spirit that is to be found in giving back, a moral responsibility, striving for a sense of meaning and purpose, making the world a better place, preventing the repetition of past tragedies and showing care and healing.

Nickie’s Story
Nickie, a teenager who was exploited in the child sex trade on a Canadian city’s “Kiddie Walk” starting at the age of 9, said, "I made my quilt square, to tell the world, society and communities about child sex abuse. It can't be hid in the dark no longer. It can help other survivors to know that there is hope and you are never alone; that child sex abuse affects a person until they get older. It never goes away." Nickie says she wants the community to understand that, “You can’t ignore the issue because it could happen to your own children or someone who you love.”

Nickie seemed driven by a selfless force to offer hope to other survivors of abuse, particularly children in the vicious cycle of exploitation by the street trade. The more Nickie selflessly gave, the more strength and self confidence she gained. Nickie was a teenager in her early years of recovery and she was not willing to wait for “the final stage of growth” to reach out and help others.

Nickie’s compassion for others ended up nurturing self compassion in herself. Altruism may give in both directions with practical benefits to those doing the reaching out to help others.

Jerry’s Story
Through her artistic creation Jerry was also reaching out, past her intense fragility, with a supportive arm to other survivors and a protective voice for children. She says, "I want my participation in the Monument Project to help stop child abuse. To put it in the community's face. One big roaring 'STOP'. I want the Monument to say to the community: 'Be aware, listen to the children'. For it needs to help heal those already scarred, to protect those who are unsafe. To say 'never think it cannot happen here'.

Jerry also found working on her quilt square, "Helped me realize how much I really lost and how angry I truly am. How lucky I am to have found help. It helped me learn to reach out to others for help. To trust and be trusted."

Kevin’s Story
Like many who have participated in a social action project, Jerry wants his participation in the monument, “...to make others aware of the effects of sexual abuse”. In healing, the survivor learns much about the nature of child abuse and its impacts. There is much that can be shared to educate society and bring about social change and bring an end to the cycle of abuse. Kevin wants, “To support other men to recognize the places where they are hurt and behave badly as a result of it.”

For Kevin the act of altruism brings out, “... a clear sense of myself“ and “helps me to see myself not as a victim but as a man who feels and sees...” The sadness that he lived through became the vantage point through which he looks beyond. Keenly aware of the costs of abuse, Kevin takes a sense of empowerment and joy into his youth work with education and community building.

In working with other survivors wanting to make a difference in the community Kevin says, “There seems to be an understanding we are doing something for ourselves and others.” Kevin is aware that in his generous acts of giving there is much that he receives.

Darrel’s Story
Healing occurs from a variety of perspectives for those doing the giving. For Darrel, “Doing something for child abuse was very rewarding. Giving something back that’s good replaces the bad for a moment.” Darrel was active in supporting other male survivors and speaking out about abuse to children. Darrel’s initial reaching out through working on the monument and volunteering with the project was a frightening thing to do. At times his voice would tremble and his hands would shake. As difficult as it was, Darrel felt good that he might be helping to protect one other child.

Darrel’s commitment to others brought many rewards back to himself. He had the fulfillment of having a positive impact on his community, friends and family. He was also receiving back support he was not asking for. His willingness to step through his inner suffering brought the personal rewards of dramatic changes in a variety of areas of Darrel’s life. Over the weeks and months his decades-long history of retreat cautiously dissolved into participation, trust and the discovery that close relationships did not require him to be the victim of a sexual perpetrator.

The journey of his first year of speaking out through the Monument Project and elsewhere was a roller coaster ride that included both successes and failures. At times he felt like he finally belonged and at others that he was all alone. Sometimes it felt like the pain would never end, and yet there were moments when he thought there may be hope. His desire to protect children and make a difference for other survivors was a major force that propelled him through the toughest of times.

Darrel went on to regularly do volunteer work for an abuse prevention and survivor support centre that has many public events for children and adults. He continues to find his giving and standing up for the protection of children enormously fulfilling. His altruism has had a dramatic impact on his self esteem, sense of fulfillment, happiness and lead to his being able to have a permanent job with many responsibilities.

Darrel’s life became very different because of his efforts to protect children. Much of his therapy and personal growth work has been through the window of being driven to make sure that what happened to him, “will not happen to one other child.” The reality is many survivors’ and children’s lives are affected by Darrel’s contributions.

Instilling a Sense of Being Good
Altruistic involvement in the project helped to remove personal and social shame and isolation for survivors. There was the sense that the benefit will be carried on. For Derek, expressing his feelings on child abuse, "brought out the goodness inside myself that I always knew I had. It has definitely affected my way of thinking and will be something good to replace the horrible crime committed long ago." The social action and proactive nature of altruistic activity helps to move a sense of social disenfranchisement and vulnerability into a new reality of empowerment.

Relationships vs. Isolation
Survivors have to cope with mistrust and its resulting isolation. Altruism often occurs in the social domain and in relationship. Volunteering requires one to be with others and may address patterns of isolation or feelings of loneliness. For survivors, becoming involved in altruistic activity can be a valuable way to reach out to others and repattern debilitating fears. Barbara shared, "I have had to put aside, for the first time, the consequences of the abusers and others to allow "me" to do what "I" need to do to complete this. Following this through gave me a real sense that "I count" in life!"

Many working to respond to child abuse find the act of giving highly rewarding and go on to do volunteer work in other areas — helping out with concerns of child abuse is a stepping stone in gaining strength and healing. Altruistic activities stemming from the lessons and wisdom gained from abuse might be:

• Assisting in a mentor support component of a children's treatment program
• Exhibiting in a survivor art exhibition
  Speaking out through media interviews
• Writing to politicians about child abuse or victim legislation
• Volunteering for a survivor support web site

Reaching Out
For many survivors, volunteer activities related to abuse are too triggering and they are best served by focusing altruistic expression in another area. Many participants in the Survivor Monument Project found the act of giving highly rewarding and went on to do volunteer work in other areas -- the monument was a stepping stone in gaining strength and healing.

There are many acts of kindness and opportunities for giving that survivors can engage in that are meaningful. Altruism does not have to be “monumental” to have a positive effect on others and oneself. Care can be expressed to people in need in various areas of one’s life and volunteer opportunities abound in all communities.

Kindness does not have a grade or golden marks, it just is. In their acts of cruelty, abusers rob innocent children of the expectation of unconditional receiving and giving of kind human interaction. The ultimate victory over abuse is to reconnect in the present with self and others. Reaching out to others can be greatly facilitated through altruistic acts and volunteerism.

 

Michael C. Irving, Ph.D. and Cheryl Irving, B.A.
have a private practice partnership serving
as psychotherapists with individuals and groups.

For more than 20 years their practice has encompassed individual clients and psychotherapy workshops and trainings on - healing emotional trauma through regressive therapies, mind/body integration, dissociative disorders, ego state therapy, primal therapy, art therapy, prenatal parenting and, working with pre and prenatal issues through art.

To book an appointment CALL
(416)469-4764