The Child Abuse Monument Project - Information

HOW TO GET HELP TO PREVENT
YOU FROM BEING ABUSIVE

We all have the potential to be abusive. Abuse can be intergenerational but the cycle can be broken.

To admit you have the potential to be abusive is very difficult.
Most abusers were themselves abused as children. However, at the same time, most child abuse survivors WILL NOT become abusers.

Stressful times and situations for parent and child are the most difficult times for a parent who is an abuse survivor. Old feelings and issues are triggered by the stress. When stress is high the parent may be living more in the past rather than the present.
Reducing stress and learning coping strategies for managing stress and emotions are some of the best things you can do for you and your children.
In reaching out and seeking help you are not alone. This is an important first step in abuse prevention and is something everyone can do.
Resources to assist with parenting difficulties and skills can include crisis lines, support groups, day care workers, community groups and community mental health facilities, in-patient treatment, family doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and even employment assistance programs.
Having good parenting role models can be valuable in learning new language skills and approaches for being with children.

To prevent one's children from being abused one must be aware of and recognize the potential to be abusive and take ownership of the need to seek out assistance. Help is available. You must recognize that you are not bad and you are not alone. This is an important first step in abuse prevention and it's something everyone can do.

My father was abused
and I wasn't.
The cycle stopped.

The Dawn of a new generation,
The dawn of new hope,
Let tomorrow's sun set
on an era of peace.
Zachary

The promise of a Safe
world for another child.
Robyn, David, Emma

There is Hope

My thoughts
sifting though my hands
drizzling onto the sand
becoming an ever-changing
perception of my life – or lives.
My life, which conjuncts so often
and so closely with the lives of others
the many lives I've seen and heard tell of
point to one thing
an unnecessary tragedy of existence
which must stop.
And there is hope now that it can stop
If we can continue to all listen
and change and help where we can.
Then it will finally not have been in vain
all of this suffering, we will suffer for our children
That our children won't suffer
And we will finally grow.

Marque

Victory
Rudy

I will always love you.

Sexual abuse is too heavy
for any child to carry
through life.
Barbara

Discussion - How to Get Help to Prevent You From Being Abusive

Some help can be provided by experts in the field, support groups, doctors, psychiatrists and others. Hearing stories form others, calling a crisis line for adults, accessing the E.A.P. program for self and family, and finding healing through community and other support groups will also help.
This experience will be different for everyone. There may still be a blaming of self for what happened. Knowing that you have a problem and trying to deal with it yourself is not enough. Help is available. You must recognize that you are not bad.
Admitting that you need help is difficult. To admit that you have the potential to be abusive is very difficult. We encourage people to get help with physical problems, but emotional issues are treated differently and are not disclosed.
As a society we are not prepared to take ownership of the effects of abuse on society and individuals, as well as the overall costs of abuse to society. Breaking the cycle of abuse is critically important.
Funders and governments need to get involved. Abuse and abusive behaviour can be passed on through generations. We need to develop an awareness of the problem. Help is available, but it is not as widespread as it should be.
For abusers, there are not enough programs available. Each abuser needs to develop the ability to see that he/she has done something wrong. They need help from professionals. Denial is a major issue for abusers. It is vitally important for an abuser to accept that he or she has a problem, and to know that he or she needs the help.
Attitudes about abuse need to be changed. We need more programs to help us in dealing with the behaviour. We need to develop different techniques to deal with abuse. A paradigm shift must occur in the way that we educated society on what is acceptable behaviour.
Self recognition and taking responsibility for his or her own behaviour are important factors in an abuser’s preventing himself or herself from becoming abusive. Awareness of his or her own triggers of abuse, support from parents, friends, neighbours and professionals and the creation of balance in his or her life will all help as well. We must deal effectively with children’s anger when we encounter it. Adults need to take more responsibility. Time outs for children and adults are also useful.
Abusers need to have access to people they can trust so that they can talk about the abuse. Not enough time and attention is given to this issue. People do not want to see the signs. Abuse can be intergenerational. We all have the potential to be abusive.
Everyone must deal with this issue and change their ways, whether in a medical, educational, professional or social sense.

Self Care

You have to look after yourself in order to look after others. One is most likely to be abusive when under the influence of alcohol or drugs or when under great stress. If you have addiction problems you have to get control of them and solve them. Finding a recovery program is a must. If for no other reason -- do it for your kids. Managing the stresses in you life is self care and can make a big difference in how you respond to and treat others.
If your stress and internal conflicts are such that you are at risk of abusing a child it is imperative that you turn to others for help. Friends, therapists, clergy, self help groups and social service agencies are resources to assist you in looking after yourself and your relationship with you children.

Respite Care

A formal or informal program of Respite Care for yourself and your family can be important for getting through difficult times. Respite Care is sometimes referred to as "A Gift of Time." Through a respite program social and community support become involved in your family and help to look after your children and some of the stressors while you rest, get refreshed, sort things out, and maybe even do some personal examination, healing and recovery.
All parents need a break and time for looking after themselves. This self care is even all the more important when you come from a history of abuse or when there are great stresses in your life. There is no shame in having others help with giving children a stable and nurturing environment.
Respite, as a key component of comprehensive family support, family violence and child abuse prevention strategies, is the service families and caregivers most often request. Yet, respite is in critically short supply. Respite services need to become a core component of child abuse prevention programs.
Approaches to Respite Care have been finely developed in association with health care concerns associated with families coping with disabilities, severe and terminal illnesses. It is important for us to apply to child abuse prevention what has been learned by other about Respite Care.

A Briefing Paper is adapted from a 1989 NICHCY publication called “Respite
Care: A Gift of Time.” states,"
Benefits of Respite Care, In addition to providing direct relief, respite has added benefits for families, including:
Relaxation. Respite gives families
peace of mind, helps them relax, and renews their humor and their energy;
Enjoyment. Respite allows families
to enjoy favorite pastimes and pursue new activities;
Stability. Respite improves the family’s ability to cope with daily responsibilities and maintain stability during crisis;
Preservation. Respite helps reserve the family unit and lessens the pressures that might lead to institutionalization, divorce, neglect and child abuse;
Involvement. Respite allows families to become involved in community activities and to feel less isolated;
Time Off. Respite allows families to take that needed vacation, spend time together and time alone; and
Enrichment. Respite makes it possible for family members to establish individual identities and enrich their own growth and development.

Each of the benefits listed above has a value to a parent and family at risk of physically or emotionally abusing a child.
If you develop or become involved in a formal Respite Care to assist you in preventing harm to your children you will be a pioneer in the ever evolving field of child abuse prevention. What you give to yourself and your family is going to have ripple effects on making life better for others.

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Respite and Crisis Care Organizations
ARCH National Respite Network and Resource Center
Chapel Hill Training-Outreach Project
800 Eastowne Drive, Suite 105, Chapel Hill NC 27514
888/671-2594 (toll-free) or 919/490-5577, Fax 919/490-4905
E-mail: ylayden@intrex.net
www.chtop.com/archbroc.htm or www.chtop.com/nrn.htm
Casey Family Programs National Center for Resource Family Support
1808 Eye Street NW, Fifth Floor, Washington DC 20006
888/295-6727 (toll-free) or 202/467-4441, Fax 202/467-4499
E-mail: cncinfo@casey.org
www.casey.org/cnc
National Family Caregiver Support Program
U.S. Administration on Aging
330 Independence Ave., SW, Washington DC 20201
E-mail: aoainfo@aoa.gov
www.aoa.gov/carenetwork/default.htm
National Resource Center for Foster Care and Permanency Planning
Hunter College School of Social Work
129 East 79th Street, New York NY 10021
212/452-7000, Fax 212/452-7051
www.hunter.cuny.edu/socwork/nrcfcpp
National Respite Coalition
4016 Oxford Street, Annandale VA 22003
703/256-9578
E-mail: jbkagan@aol.com
www.chtop.com/nrn.htm
Parents United
P.O. Box 608
Pacific Grove, CA 93950-0608
(408)453-7616; fax: (408)453-9064