WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE?

Child sexual abuse
is not about sex.
If I hit you with a rolling pin,
could we call it baking?

ONE FLIGHT OF STEPS

At the top of the steps is a crowded little room
Four little girls lay silent, full of gloom
As the car pulls into the driveway that night
They stare in the dark and stiffen with fright

Mom went to Bingo and left them again
To fend for themselves and deal with the pain
The nightmare begins as the door hits the frame
And they ready themselves for Dad's so-called game

Dad staggers around – thinking no one will hear
So drunk he cannot sense or feel the girls fear
At the bottom of the steps he staggers once more
His steps unsteady as they hit the floor

The first step creaks – the girls shake and cry
The second step brings that old question "Why"
By the third step each girl curls up tight
The fourth step brings the landing and the switch for the light

These four little girls keep quiet with hope
That he doesn't pick them so they don't have to cope
They try as they might to block out the noise
Of the creaking steps he takes without poise

Each girl is lost deep inside – the bedroom gone
Each takes a trip somewhere completely unknown
To imagine a place that is safe and warm
Where people care and mean you no harm

The fifth step is next, bad things enter their head
What if he fell down the steps and was dead
That only adds to their low self-esteem
For thinking such thoughts and feeling so mean

As Dad enters the hall grabbing hold of the wall
The knob turns – silent screams – "PLEASE LET HIM FALL!"
As it opens each little girl feigns they are asleep
With eyes shut tight they pray their soul to keep

Dad approaches the beds and damn – HE PICKED ME!
I stiffen with fear and beg to be set free
His grip is tight but I am no longer there
For the others are safe – that's all I care

As Dad exits the door of our little room
I grab at the door jam to prolong the doom
He heads for his bedroom – where he feels at ease
I hear the clock ticking and feel my body freeze

The clock is my key to surviving the night
As my father does what he wants in his plight
"Only ten minutes," he pleads in his lust
"Remember I love you!" I hear in disgust

The time is now up but a lifetime is gone
I will soon be returned to my bed all alone
For the three girls left are only a shell
Dad's choice tonight has saved "them" from hell

The four little girls know tomorrow will come
One of them will be chosen to replace their Mom
Mom will go to Bingo and enjoy the night
While four little girls lay in bed filled with fright!

Barbara

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I PRAY...

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord
In my crib, he won’t creep;
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord,
More Innocence, he won’t take.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord
My sanity to keep;
If I should die before I wake,
I remember, I start to shake.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
His death behind me, memories peep;
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord, the silence breaks.

NOW, I lay me down to sleep, at 48,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
If I should die before I wake,
I know for sure, no midnight shake.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I sleep.....

Sher - from age 3 to forever

She Was I and I Was She

Imagine this: imagine you discover that for many years
another person intimately shared your life without your
knowing it. Oh, you had your suspicions - the
indented pillow beside you, the toothpaste with a
thumbprint that wasn’t yours. Now it all fits, you know
it’s true, but during all that time you never actually saw
this person.

And so it was with me. She was my shadow-self,
unknown to me. She knew passion where I knew only
inhibition, then grief where I knew guilt, then terror
where I knew anger. She monitored my every thought,
manipulated my actions, aided my survival and
sabotaged my dreams, for she was I and I was she.

Sylvia Fraser - My Father’s House: A Memoir of Incest
and of Healing

THE DARK FORGETTING

Hurdling (the past)
Surmounting (the present)
Constructing (the future)
With previously unimaginable bliss, these have become visible objectives.
Thus a possibility exists to overcome
My invisibility
My self-hatred
My disgust
The whispered lies resounding in my ears
My mortality can be faxed without fear
But no longer with longing
This I can feel in my better moments
When I don’t fall back in the dark forgetting.

Marque

It is hard to talk about sexual abuse, but we need to.

Sexual abuse includes involving a child in acts such as:

• Fondling (touching a child in a sexual way)
• Getting the child to touch the adult inappropriately
• Oral sex
• Inserting fingers, penis, or objects into the vagina or anus
• Exposing oneself
• Allowing a child to watch pornography
• Involving a child in pornography or prostitution.

Child sexual abuse is an abuse of power and trust. It is manipulating or forcing a child to service a sick adult.

You know several people who were sexually abused as a child, whether you know it or not. It is more common than you think.

The trauma of child sexual abuse is real, and memories can be recovered inside and outside of therapy.

The trauma of sexual abuse is profound and pervasive. Child sexual abuse changes everything...forever!

Child sexual abuse is a crime. It is very damaging to the soul and/or psyche of the child and has long term, often permanent, effects on the adult.

Most childhood sexual abuse is committed by someone known to, and often related with, the child. There are normally severe threats associated to disclosure.

    Words cannot describe...

Discussion - What is Sexual Abuse?

Brainstorming:

Sexual abuse often takes the form of an adult misleading and threatening a child. There is betrayal, an abuse of power and trust, stolen innocence, violation, isolation, control, manipulation, secrecy...

Abused people may feel fear, pain, rage, despair, brokenness, humiliation, longing, disappointment, sadness, guilt and shame. Sexual abuse results in a lack of trust. Survivors and witnesses live in fear. They do not have a voice.

Sexual abuse may be denied by the person themselves as well as their family and community. There is often a strong reluctance to accept the truth about sexual abuse/n It often proves easier to blame the child, rather than the perpetrator.

This is an act that devastates on many levels, and often proves to be a life sentence for the victim.

Survivors often feel self blame and blame by their community. They need to escape, to hide from themselves, . They may become self destructive or suicidal.

LISTEN to your child. TRUST your child. Don’t judge or criticize. Be aware that sexual abuse can happen to you or your child. Children may not be aware that they are being sexually abused, so don’t close your eyes, be aware. What is “normal” sexual play between children?

Sexual abuse is part of the real world. You know someone who has been sexually abused, whether you know it or not.

Words cannot describe sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is not about sex.

It builds survivors and steals childhoods. It is a crime. Abuse needs to be talked about by victims. It has a lifetime impact, and wounds everyone.

What is sexual abuse?

• Sexual abuse is a child living in fear.
• It steals power and trust.

REFERENCES ON SEXUAL ABUSE:

Allen, Charlotte Vale. Daddy’s Girl. Toronto: McClelland & Stewart, 1998.

Armstrong, Louise. Kiss Daddy Goodnight: Ten Years Later. New York: Pocket Books, 1987.

Bower, Bruce. “Growing Up in Harm’s Way: Child Victimization Develops Into a Scientific Challenge.” In Science News (US), May 25, 1996, vol. 149 no. 21, p. 332-3.

Brock, Debi. “Talkin’ Bout a Revelation: Feminist Popular Discourse on Sexual Abuse.” In Canadian Woman Studies, fall 1991, vol. 12 no. 1, p. 12-15.

Danica, Elly. Beyond Don’t: Dreaming Past the Dark. Charlottetown, P.E.I.: Gynergy Books, 1996.

----------. Don’t: A Woman’s Word. Charlottetown, P.E.I.: Gynergy Books, 1988.

Department of Sociology and Anthropology, University of Windsor. “Use of Normalisation as a Strategy in the Sexual Exploitation of Children by Adult Offenders.” In Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, winter 1997, vol. 6 no. 4, p. 285-95.

Donnelly, Peter and Robert E.C. Sparks. “Child Sexual Abuse in Sport” Policy Options politiques, May 1997, vol. 18 no. 3, p. 3-6.

Fraser, Sylvia. “Freud’s Final Seduction:… It’s Time to Recognize This Society’s Sexual Enslavement of Children. Saturday Night, March 1994, vol. 109 no. 2, p. 18-21, 56-9.

------------. My Father’s House: A Memoir of Incest and of Healing. Toronto: Doubleday Canada, 1987.

Fulton, E. Kaye. “Unsavoury Secrets: Ottawa Police Find A Cache Of Horrifying Photos”. Maclean’s. April 7, 1997, vol. 110 no. 14, p. 18 (English).

Henton, D’Arcy and David McCann. Boys Don’t Cry - The Struggle for Justice and Healing in Canada’s Biggest Sex Abuse Scandal. Toronto: McClelland & Stewart, 1995.

Herman, Judith Lewis and Lisa Hirschman. Father Daughter Incest. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1981

Horsham, Patricia. “Child Sexual Abuse: What Parents Need to Know.” Canadian Nurse, September 1992, vol. 88 no. 8, p. 32-5.

Kehoe, Patricia. Helping Abused Children: A Book For Those Who Work With Sexually Abused Children. Seattle, Wa.: Parenting Press, Inc. 1988.

Kendrick, Martyn. Anatomy of a Nightmare: The Failure of Society in Dealing With Child Sexual Abuse. Toronto: Macmillan of Canada, 1998.

MacMillan, H., Fleming, J.E., Trocome, N., Boyle, M.H., Wong, M., Racine, Y.A., Beardslee, W.R. and D.R. Offord. “Prevalence of Child Physical and Sexual Abuse in the Community: Results From the Ontario Health Supplement.” Journal of the American Medical Association, 1997, 278, p. 131-135.

Mills, Bev. “Patterns of Sexual Abuse.” Briarpatch, March 1992, vol. 21 no.2, p. 27.

National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse. Child Sexual Abuse. (Online) Available http://www.childabuse.org/fs19.html. December 1996, Number 19.

Potvin, Liza. “White Lies (for my mother)”. Canadian Literature, fall-winter 1993, vol. no. 138-9, p.124-6.

Prescott, Ellen. Mondays are Yellow, Sundays are Grey. Vancouver: Douglas and McIntyre, 1994.

Robinson, Laura. Crossing the Line: Violence and Sexual Assault in Canada’s National Sport. Toronto: M & S, 1998.

Rush, F. The Best Kept Secret: Sexual Abuse of Children. Toronto: McGraw-Hill Book Company. 1980.

Sheremata, Davis. “I’ve Been Very Bad: An Alleged Sex Offender (Hughes Michaud) Apologises in a note Left With His Victim.” Alberta Report, July 27, 1998, vol. 25 no. 32, p. 25-6 (English).

Steed, Judy. Our Little Secret: Confronting Child Sexual Abuse in Canada. Toronto: Random House of Canada, 1994.

University of Windsor, Department of Sociology and Anthropology. “Use of Normalization as a Strategy in the Sexual Exploitation of Children By Adult Offenders.” Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, Winter 1997, vol. 6 no. 4, p. 285-95.

Women’s Research Centre (Vancouver, B.C.) Recollecting Our Lives: Women’s Experience of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Vancouver: Press Gang, 1989.