The Journey

I awaken to the land of nightmares and images, the forest of deadness
There are no feelings. I have no choices. This world is numb, the trees lifeless,
everything is cold, dark, frightening and vague. Where is reality?

Questions engulf me. I wander into the tunnel, and the seemingly endless journey begins.
Once in the tunnels, surrounded by a soundless echoing of shrouded pictures,
I quickly lose my orientation and my escape path is gone!

A feeling overwhelms me, FEAR! Quickening my pace, I panic, searching for the exit.
“One day at a time”, the annoying turn of phrase attacks me as each passing day,
every waking moment, in which day turns to night and night to day and time,
a fixed property, can no longer be measured.

I run and hide, into pills, busyness, denial and finally illness that threatens my very life.
I yearn for the illness to swallow me whole into an expanse of permanent nothingness.

I force my eyes closed in search of much needed sleep. Through darkness the pictures
become crystal clear. I can truly smell their corrupt existence!
They touch me with rough hands of remembrance.
Screaming quiet pounds relentlessly in my brain! Vomit, bile retching, until my frame
becomes bony and unrecognizable to long since deserted friends.

FEAR! PAIN! ABONDONMENT! SADNESS! CONFUSION! LOSS of love,
innocence, job, self-esteem, spirituality, ability to trust, friendships, health, energy,
support and lastly control! Dissociation is a brief reprieve. DESPERATION!

Moments of euphoria, where I catch a fleeting ray of that
ALight at the end of the tunnel@, another much hated aphorism.
It is a mirage I cannot reach while falling backwards through these tunnels.
No sense of direction, FRUSTRATION! Why must I keep on trying?

The roses among the thorny brambly bush, my husband, my daughter,
my son and family who care, I cannot disappoint them.
I want to soar, a phoenix, fighting my way to freedom from the memories.
I crave that the tortuous images be deafened into their place, in the past,
never forgotten, just taking a different perspective on my life.
A perspective I can learn from and proceed into the healing glow and warmth of the sun,
to bask in its quietness of mind and to enjoy simple pleasures.

Bur first I must find a way to elude the diversions, the eternal setbacks and illusions.
I must break out of these terrifying tunnels!

Is there enough of this immeasurable time?


T.