Protection

Protection
He should have provided protection
Instead he hurt me.
It was bad enough to be abused
But to be abused by the one that should have been protecting me…

It messed up my thinking,
Everything was my fault.

Decades have gone by.
The damage it does to the thinking process
I still question my thinking.
The damage it does to self-esteem
I think people don’t want me around.
The damage it does to healthy boundaries
I accept behaviours of others that I shouldn’t.
The damage it does to intimate relationships.
Where is the line between healthy boundaries and other people pressuring
Me saying, “You’re difficult.” Is it just one more person trying to control me?
Should I say it’s unacceptable or am I being unrealistic in my expectations?
I don’t know what normal is.

How the abuse pervades every aspect of my life.
How many times have I said, “I won’t let the abuse affect me anymore
because I’ve grown, read so many books and gone to therapy.”
Yet it affects everything.

I adore and cherish my children.
I get wounded when they are made fun of or feel insecure.
I get wounded watching their childhood wounds, because my childhood wounds never healed.
I never had someone as loving as I am, caring for me. I did for the first 8 years,
But she died on that day, so did my life.

No one could love my children more than I do
but sometimes I wonder if they would be better parented by
someone not so wounded.
They are learning empathy and compassion, but at what price?

Abuse – it is not an “isolated” incident or series of incidents.
Abuse is the murdering of the soul while the body continues to function,
thereby confusing people into thinking I am okay.
I’m attractive, confident (on the outside), and own a house,
so how bad could it have been?
You’ll never know.

To people around me, the abuse faded into the past.
People say, “Let it go.”
I am constantly trying to, but it surfaces everywhere – everywhere.

I just want the world to stop and let me get off.


S.